I adore both of my step-children. I love
our time with them. However, there is nothing easy about joint
custody. There is nothing easy about a child having two homes, two
bedrooms, two ‘families’ and pretty much two of everything. It is
difficult for everyone involved. As the adults, we only see one side
of their world. We either see Daddy’s home or Mommy’s
home. For anyone in a similar situation, until true forgiveness is
granted between both parties, this set up will stir up anger and resentment and
never be accepted as the next best option for divorced parents to get to lavish
love on their children.
I am a step-mom. In my role, I can do
nothing but ask for God’s direction and for Him to bestow wisdom onto me in a
position where there is no easy fix…actually, there is no fix at all.
As a step-mom and wife to someone’s ex-husband,
there are a few things I have resolved to:
1. I do not communicate with my stepchildren’s mother except
in situations that have a dire need to do so. There are still a lot
of negative emotions that would be stirred up if I tried to insert
myself. My responsibility is to my husband, my son and my
step-children. Keeping peace as far as it depends on me is crucial.
2. I
support and encourage my husband as he communicates with his ex-wife. Though
hard to remember at times, it is not about me. I pray someday,
conversations will get easier. I pray that God will be able to do
what ONLY HE CAN DO. Because I know only He can, it completely frees
me from the pressure of trying to solve something I am completely incapable of
solving. Because of the nature of their divorce and the consequences that
are faced in daily life, it is best for me to do whatever I can to help and not
hurrt. In order to do so, the only communication necessary to do so
only involves my husband.
3. I
am not my stepchildren’s mother. How insensitive it
would be for me to not promote their relationship with their father and mother
in our home. I am Alli to them. They know I love them
like crazy…but I will never be their mother, nor will I ever have the same love
for them that their mother has. In our home, their relationship with
members of ALL of their family is of utmost importance.
I know there are step-moms out there who find
themselves in a very different situation or outlook. There are
step-moms who are moms to their stepchildren because their biological mother
has passed away or may no longer be involved. There are step-moms who
communicate with their step-children’s mother simply because it is the best way
to keep peace and it truly works best for them.
My main point, in our unique situation, is I cannot
carry any sense of entitlement in our blended family. I should not
be the step-mother to my husband’s children. I should not have
become a wife to their mother’s ex-husband. OUCH! It
pains me to even type out the truth.
My step-children will continue to see and feel the
consequences of our sin. I hate it…HATE it. The thought
of them facing the consequences for years to come literally repulses
me. Some days I think that maybe this whole joint custody is too
hard. They miss out on so many things. Between church
events, parties and other extracurricular activities…having a rotating schedule
effects everyone. I then sit back and see how passionate my husband
is about all of his children. He wants to be their Daddy and shows
it, not just by his words, but by his actions. He will drive three
hours to see a thirty minute school program, or to spend five minutes being
there for the first day of Kindergarten. He doesn’t want them to miss out
on anything fun. He doesn’t want them to live life without knowing
their Daddy either.
There is nothing about this life that is
easy. There are so many stress factors that will always
exist. I sincerely pray for peace, forgiveness, healing and ability
for us all to take this horrific situation and make it work as best as we all
can.
My motives will most likely always be in
question. The heart behind what drives me to help my husband sort
out the yucky details and modifications of joint custody may always be
misunderstood. But here is what I do know. God holds every
one of our hearts. He holds my husband’s heart. He holds
my son’s heart. He holds my step-daughter’s heart. He
holds my step-son’s heart. He holds their mommy’s
heart. He holds my heart. God knows every one of our
inmost feelings. I can trust Him to work everything out in His
timing because I know it is our only hope.
Until then…what is my responsibility?
Fear the Lord. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30
Keep my heart in check. Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. 2 Timothy 2:22-24
Take care of my home and the people in it. The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1
Keep my husband from eyeing that corner of our roof ;-) Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 21:9
Pursue peace. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:16-18
Press On Without Turning Back. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. [Following Paul’s Example ] All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Philippians 3:13-15
Pray about everything and for everyone involved. (Pray that God would help me to see and love others the way He sees and loves them.) Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
In Christ alone, there is always hope
and grace. I am so thankful because I need both daily…life is too
difficult to try and live without it!
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