Ripple Effects

It is true.  The choices we make shape our lives and tell our story...a story of our past, present and future.  I am a wife, mother and step-mom with a very classless 'love story'.  I am so thankful for God's grace and forgiveness to the most undeserving.  I remember writing out my testimony in my early twenties thinking it was pretty boring.  I was raised in a home with a mom and dad, attended church, became a Christian when I was 8, and overall felt I was a pretty good girl.  Looking back, I realize how off my thinking was.  Why is it that we find ourselves to be pretty good people?  Just because we haven't partied, had premarital sex, murdered, consumed drugs, or any of the other 'forbidden sins' that surface a gasp from our audience?

I got married right out of high school and was married for 11 years.  During those years, I became a full-time Children's Minister at a church in Texas and found my niche in life.  I loved kids, loved teaching them what I was passionate about, and had so much fun being a kid with the rest of the them!  I spent 9 years longing for a child of my own.  It was a very painful time in my life as I was surrounded by families and new births.  Part of my job was to visit new moms and their newborns in the hospital to welcome their child into the ministry.  I regret not going to so many of those visits.  My own desire for a child of my own made it so hard for me to be happy for those I was suppose to be celebrating with.  What a shame that I couldn't see past my own hurt!  I buried it though...along with many other things in my life that I should have dealt with.  Things that were weaknesses and if left unguarded would place a huge target on my back for the enemy to gain the upper hand.

Then it happened.  I fell...and I mean hard.  It wasn't immediately.  It was what they call a 'slow fade'.  I poured myself into ministry while neglecting my home and marriage.  I enjoyed the friendships made at church even if they weren't mutual friendships with my husband at the time.  I had deeper friendships with other men in ministry than I did with my own husband.  We worked together, struggled together, encouraged each other and were there for each other.  I had left my heart unguarded.  I developed feelings for a man who was not available either.  While we had nothing more than a friendship and working relationship for a good 5 years, I was also friends with his wife and became "Aunt Alli" to his children.  I honestly didn't see it coming.  We made a bad choice...we chose to have an affair.

The affair lasted a couple months before my life would be forever changed...I found out I was pregnant.  I was heartbroken, humiliated, ashamed and hated.  There are some things that stuck out in my mind during that difficult time and other things that are a blur.  Then came the time that my husband and I decided to try to make things work.  We got back together for a couple of weeks.  Looking back on those days, I knew deep down God could rekindle my feelings for this man but I didn't want Him to.  I was afraid of how things might turn out and now there was a child to think about, my husband to think about and his family.  My sin had caused so much hurt in others.  People I adored and loved...and still do to this day.

Fast forward about a year and a half and here I am.  Adam and I played out so many scenarios of what life was supposed to look like.  He had 2 young children and now another on the way who was conceived in sin.  We have come a long way...we are married and have sought out God's forgiveness as well as other people we have hurt.  We still have such a long way to go.  I am thankful for my ex-husband's forgiveness and for his prayers that God still be able to use my life in a way that glorifies Him.  We both have a lot of things we would change...but it is hindsight.  I am also thankful for his family's forgiveness.  His sister and I still keep in touch and my conversations with her are so amazing and full of grace.

I struggled for awhile thinking that I wasn't fully forgiven by God until other people involved had forgiven me.  I am amazed by God's grace.  Our sin was ugly.  All sin is ugly.  Adam and I continue to walk in grace each day as we face guilt and feelings of shame over our story.  We will forever face the consequences of our sin.  We are forgiven but it doesn't mean the effects of our sin go away.  Every day we are living in the ripples of our past.  Some would say we could never be forgiven for doing such a thing...others would say there is no way we could really have repented...and still others would argue that our marriage could never honor God.  That kind of feedback is real, and has hurt and made me feel that my life is forever messed up and I can't recover from my past.  But that is not what God's Word says.

God has blessed me with an amazing son and wonderful home.  Bryson is an incredible picture of God's grace through all of this.  I love Adam and our struggles have made us stronger.  Adam knows more about me than anyone else on this earth.  He is my best friend and we have taken extreme measures to guard our marriage.

There is a reason Scripture warns us to guard our heart and to be above reproach.  For us to think that we have a better answer is ludicrous and I have yet to meet anyone who found better answers to life than what God's Word teaches.  Adultery was just one of the many sins I was guilty of.  There is always more to it than that.  I was prideful, selfish and deceptive.  I shutter to think it will always be the story of my past.  Others have forever changed their view of me.  But praise God it doesn't have to be my future story.  God can make all things new!  He may not smooth the ripples we live in but He is there to guide us through them for His glory.