Friday, June 20, 2014

The Photo on the Fridge

As I get older, I have learned many lessons in life.  Time really does fly!  But I have learned it flies whether you're having fun or not.  I have never heard a person say, "Man, I thought I would NEVER turn 65!"  Time goes by so quickly and often times we wait until it is too late to discover the best ways to spend it. 

I have a picture hanging on my refrigerator that I found a couple of years ago.  It was a picture that was taken of me when I was 5 years old.  I was the flower girl in a wedding and had a pretty white dress on and a halo...okay, so it wasn't a halo.  Oh, but it was to me!  I felt like a princess and thought I looked (and acted) like an angel as well!

I have looked at that picture countless times thinking about the little girl looking back at me.  This girl had her life planned out!  She was going to get married and have children (in that order).  She was going to be a teacher and change the world...or AT LEAST her world!  She was going to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.  One who was trustworthy and loyal.  A woman who showed love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control towards herself and others.  A woman who loved God and others with all that she had in her.  She would be a cool mom and a fun-loving wife with a spunky personality! 

As I think back to those childhood dreams I am left wondering what happened?  And what if we really could get do-overs? 

Here I am now, 27 years later and so many of those dreams have died.  No matter what I ever do or don't do, some things are always going to follow me.  Don't get me wrong, I really do love my family, friends and life.  I adore my husband, my son has stolen my heart and I have 2 of the most amazing step-children who bring so much joy to our home. 

But there are certainly some things about my life that I would have never thought would occur.  Titles I never thought I would bear.  Things I am defined by that I would never have dreamed of.

Along with being a wife and mom, I am also a step-mom...an ex-wife...a wife to another woman's ex-husband.  I have done things you would never hear a child say they want to do when they grow up. I have committed adultery.  I have hurt some of the most important people in my life.  And I didn't just hurt them, my choices devastated them.  With time, God has allowed many of these relationships to be reconciled through a lot of forgiveness and grace. 

As I look at that little girl in the picture, it reminds me that that little girl is still in here.  She still has dreams.  They may be buried deep down, stomped on and even crushed.  But they do still exist.  Some of those dreams are on ships that have sailed long ago.  But others are still possible. 

So here I sit with a pile full of regrets and wishes.  Oftentimes, I wonder what God even wants me to do with it all, if anything. 

I never wanted to waste my life on selfish gain, doing whatever necessary to 'be happy'.  It was never part of my blueprints.  It was never Plan A or even Plan B.

That little 5 year old had some pretty amazing hopes and dreams.  But who is to stop me from taking where I am now in life and daring to dream again. To get out that box of crayons and sketch out who I want to be for the rest of my life...to color in the parts that aren't beautiful so they still have some color and blend into the rest of the picture.  So what if I color outside the lines?  Unfortunately, I will.  But unlike a coloring page, I cannot wad it up and just start over.  No matter what, it is art.  It is my masterpiece...and beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. 

There are people in my life who will turn and walk the other direction.  They will not want to invest in my life or my current circumstances.  But then there are far more who have embraced me as I am.  And let me tell you, I am a mess!  But they choose to love me anyway and accept all of me.  The good, the bad and even the ugly. 

So I have challenged myself to be that little girl again.  To view life through the eyes of a child who chooses to see what is possible instead of what isn't.  Who dares to dream.  Who isn't focused on what she isn't or what she can never be...but what she is and what she can be if she doesn't give up!  Years of life have suppressed her, but she is still there.  That picture on my refrigerator serves as a daily reminder to me that we all have that inner child within us that still dreams and hopes.  She is welcome in my home and I will make time for her.  It's time to go get the crayons out!

No comments:

Post a Comment