When You See Me Smile

There are people we meet in our lives that have one of those stories. A story that brings about feelings of disgust and disappointment and leaves you wondering what God could do with a person like that. 

For a few years now, I have wrestled with tons of emotions.  Recently, I have broken down some serious barriers that have changed my perspective on this life God has chosen to allow me to continue.  I cannot help but have JOY!  It isn’t a joy the world gives…I have found that to be a FALSE joy that can easily be taken away with a misunderstood look, a hurtful statement, offensive gossip, a friendship that has parted ways and by simple reminders of how ugly my sin is.  My smile has a story.  Not a story I have written, but that God has written in my heart as He has walked me through a serious time of healing and continues to do so. 

  

 So why do I smile you ask?  Well, let me tell you first why I am NOT smiling.

I am not smiling because I am proud of myself or my accomplishments.

I am not smiling because I made poor choices and got away with them.

I am not smiling because I am smug in my life regardless of its effects on others.

I am not smiling because I want others to think I’ve got this all figured out.

I am not smiling because I am thrilled at the people I hurt to get where I am at today.

I am not smiling because it all worked out for me.

I am not smiling because I got a new life and the cost was worth it.

I am not smiling because I want people to see us as a happy little blended family.

I am not smiling because I no longer care about my past.

I am not smiling because I think God thought enough of me to make things work out.

I am not smiling because I feel a sense of entitlement.

I am not smiling because I have something to prove.

I am not smiling because I think I have earned the right to.

I am not smiling because I have found a way to be victorious in my own strength.

I am not smiling because I no longer think about and hurt for my step-children and their mother.

I am not smiling because I have moved on.

I am not smiling because I want others to think I am strong.

So then why DO I smile?

I smile because of all God has accomplished in my heart as I chose to learn some of life’s hardest lessons the hard way.

I smile because His Grace is enough to cover my lowest points and His cross is ENOUGH for even the vilest of sinners such as me.

I smile because God hasn’t given up on me and provides me opportunities every day to bring Him glory and keep my focus on Him.

I smile because I know I don’t have it all figured out, but God does.

I smile because God can use the ugliest circumstances and use them for His good if we choose to use our story to further His.

I smile because God knows every single feeling deep within my soul and the He agrees with the longing I have for Him to redeem all the time I wasted pursuing my own selfish gain.

I smile because God is working things out for the good in my life and for my family. 

I smile because, though my life is different, I am still alive.  God is not through with me.

I smile because God uses my husband, son, stepdaughter and stepson to teach me some of the most important life lessons I have learned thus far.

I am smiling because my past does not define me, but it has shaped my outlook on life and what is truly important and helped me see how quickly I can lose my way.

I am smiling because I know what it is to take my eyes off of Christ and what it is to not ever want to turn my eyes away ever again.

I am smiling because though my sin is great, His grace is greater.

I am smiling because my failure was HUGE, but God’s mercy is still bigger!

I am smiling because God has given me a reason to in His loving compassion.

I am smiling because I have found complete JOY in His presence.

I am smiling because the Cross of Christ makes it never too late for repentance and redemption.

I am smiling because God can use the ugliest stories to draw men and women to Him.

I am smiling because my destiny is not determined by man but by God and His undying love.

I am smiling because I have realized my utter weakness and how His strength can shine through.

I am smiling because with God’s grace and love for me, there is never a reason not to!

I am smiling because I am a true sinner rescued from captivity and am blameless only because of the blood of Jesus!

Will I fail again?  Yes.  Will I have bad days?  Guaranteed.  Will I ever have days of mourning? Absolutely. But the only JOY we can ever experience is the JOY that is found in God’s presence.  That is a JOY that cannot be shaken in even the worst of times.  Life is not about me…it isn’t about what others think of me…it isn’t about pats on the back.  It is about a Creator that invites us to be a part of His Story.  When we sin, our story is not over…or at least it doesn’t have to be.  We make a choice how we want our story to end.  If our desire is to make God famous in our lives, we can be assured that God wants the same.  He can and WILL give us the desires of our hearts!

As I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11…I cannot simply stop at verse 11.  Have you ever read the verses that follow?  Jeremiah 29:11-14 says,

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.  I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

This makes my heart dance!  Sometimes we fall hard when we focus on verse 11 and fail to see our part in God’s plans for us in the following verses.  We must call to him, pray to him…HE IS LISTENING!  We must seek him and we will FIND HIM!  He is the God that brings us out of captivity when our hearts are turned to Him. 

I am overwhelmed…I am in love with a God who loves this messed up girl!  Who pulls me into His embrace and says “We’ve got this…you are not okay…but WE ARE!”  There is unspeakable JOY in knowing God is not through with me!

So to sum it all up?  I smile because I know HE holds my future...and yes, that makes life worth living!